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Born out of an 1960′s public service budget and an LSD-meets-Grimm’s style One Got Fat is the safety film designed to make bicycling safer by SCARING CHILDREN into eschewing bikes altogether.

Before I get into the nuances of this production, let me just blurt out EVERYONE IS DRESSED LIKE A WEIRD MONKEY PERSON. Using cutting-edge special effects available only to documentarians of the era, each child in this film is wearing a paper mache monkey mask (that looks Wizard of Oz inspired) and each has a long tail. There is no explanation for why the kids are dressed like freaky monkey people but I am guessing that this was done to dehumanize them so that you don’t mind seeing them die.

The film plays out like a classic 1980′s horror film in which a group of young friends get together for a fun outing only to find themselves fighting for their lives as they get picked off one by one. In this case we aren’t really supposed to feel sorry for each of the victims because clearly, they deserve to die because they each neglected to follow one the many rules of bike safety like “Keep Right,” “Always Signal,” “License & Register,” etc.

The stage is set for an afternoon picnic in the park. The monkey-kids are doing things that monkey-kids do like pulling each other’s tails and scratching themselves before heading out on their bikes for the 9-block journey to the park.

As in typical horror films and 1960′s movies with obnoxious children whom get their comeuppance, each death is meted out by in a unique fashion so as to not be too boring. From open manhole covers to steam rollers, there is danger around every corner ready and waiting to claim another victim. After each monkey-kid is dispatched, the narrator offers up a witty remark like “Rooty Left the party” or in the case of a death by lack of night-riding gear, “Stanislaw wasn’t quite bright enough.”

Even as their companions drop off, the caravan to the park picnic continues unabated. These are not the kind of creatures you want to depend on.

The film builds to a dramatic conclusion that finally answers the question “What’s with the title?”

Watch and learn:

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