Born out of an 1960′s public service budget and an LSD-meets-Grimm’s style One Got Fat is the safety film designed to make bicycling safer by SCARING CHILDREN into eschewing bikes altogether.

Before I get into the nuances of this production, let me just blurt out EVERYONE IS DRESSED LIKE A WEIRD MONKEY PERSON. Using cutting-edge special effects available only to documentarians of the era, each child in this film is wearing a paper mache monkey mask (that looks Wizard of Oz inspired) and each has a long tail. There is no explanation for why the kids are dressed like freaky monkey people but I am guessing that this was done to dehumanize them so that you don’t mind seeing them die.

The film plays out like a classic 1980′s horror film in which a group of young friends get together for a fun outing only to find themselves fighting for their lives as they get picked off one by one. In this case we aren’t really supposed to feel sorry for each of the victims because clearly, they deserve to die because they each neglected to follow one the many rules of bike safety like “Keep Right,” “Always Signal,” “License & Register,” etc.

The stage is set for an afternoon picnic in the park. The monkey-kids are doing things that monkey-kids do like pulling each other’s tails and scratching themselves before heading out on their bikes for the 9-block journey to the park.

As in typical horror films and 1960′s movies with obnoxious children whom get their comeuppance, each death is meted out by in a unique fashion so as to not be too boring. From open manhole covers to steam rollers, there is danger around every corner ready and waiting to claim another victim. After each monkey-kid is dispatched, the narrator offers up a witty remark like “Rooty Left the party” or in the case of a death by lack of night-riding gear, “Stanislaw wasn’t quite bright enough.”

Even as their companions drop off, the caravan to the park picnic continues unabated. These are not the kind of creatures you want to depend on.

The film builds to a dramatic conclusion that finally answers the question “What’s with the title?”

Watch and learn:

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It’s a fairly comprehensive collection and very impressive considering that while most kids were busy wasting their allowance without any future benefits, two young friends had the forethought to meticulously preserve the audio from almost every game of the era.

Listen up: CoinOpVideogames.com

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Scientific and historical value aside, according to CNN, the most interesting items for sale included a mailbox that had been struck by a meteorite (it went for nearly $83,000) and a meteorite whose claim to fame is that it caused the only known, recorded fatality (mass-extinction events excluded).

CNN’s headline to this high-profile, important auction? “Cow-killing meteorite sells for $1,554″ That’s good stuff.

The killer space rock, known as the “Valera” fell in Venezuela in 1972 and killed a cow. Compared to the mailbox price it really says terrible things about the value of a cow’s life. At least that death was not in vain, CNN was able to use it to disguise a science article in a way to make it interesting to the common folk.

Oh, here’s a shot of that mailbox:

Oh, and back to the Willamette Meteorite… that meteorite has been the source of controversy due a claim by The Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde who say that the main 15.5 ton mass is a sacred object sent to Earth by some Sky People that they believe in. (The meteorite has been permanently housed at The American Museum of Natural History in New York City since 1908).

Read More:

CNN: Cow-killing meteorite sells for $1,554

Meteoritical Bulletin no. 85: Valera

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